Not a movie type fear, I would suspect this could be much worse. A fear that not only scares in the dark, but a fear that scares me to the point where I am unable to operate. My fear is not that I will succeed or won’t succeed, I am scared to live meaningless and in a cage.
I am not sure what a “meaningful life” would look like, but what I do know is that I can not imagine a life where I can not make my own decisions or decide how my days are spent. Many people would agree that we are free to choose a life that we want, but I know very few people who live as free as that.
As great as my life is at the moment I have difficulty in having faith in the universe to keep on giving as it has in the past. I have except for a very brief period never cared much for money and that would probably explain why I have never really had a fortune. My focus has always been to live as free a life as possible, and to a large extent this is what I am doing on a daily basis. My fear now is that this lifestyle might end, that this freedom might be taken away.
Every client phone call I receive causes stress that they might not be happy with the service we provide, that in turn might cause them not to use our services anymore and this will cause a drop in income and ultimately lead to my freedom being in jeopardy. Not exactly freedom if you ask me.
My aim is to achieve a zen state where I know that everything will inevitably work out. That I do choose my life and what I want in it, but that I also realise that I am in control but not always as much as we would hope to believe.
I feel an obligation because of my lifestyle to do as much as possible because of this freedom I have. The problem now is that all my activities causes my life more stress and not less. I am running from the one thing to the next and in the process I neglect quite a few important aspects of my life and in turn miss the whole point of living slowly. All my “freedom” activities are probably creating stress and stress creates fear in my life and I will be the first to admit that I do not handle fear / stress well.
My answer to this is simple (ha ha ha ha). I actually do not have an answer, but what I do know is that I have not moved to the ocean, learned to surf just to have more stress. I want to live smarter and slower, but as with all things it takes time and a lot of practice. It is currently a scorcher of a day, waves seem good so I am going to start to practice what I preach!